VOI! No, Thank You!
by Shaariin13
Summary: So, the Varia's once-in-a-blue-moon off day has once again come around. That means another of Squalo's sources of migraines isn't far off! Rated T for Squ-chan's potty mouth and for annoying random OCs who just don't know when to quit.


**Title:** VOI! No, Thank You!

**Author:** Shaariin13

**Words:** 1,361(details and A/Ns exclusive)

**Prompt: **One of theKHR Headcanon pics that Skye-sama (SkyGem) reposted on our 'FFN KHR Community' page on Facebook (Join us if you still haven't!). It's written at the bottom. I'll leave it to your deduction powers to guess what it is. No peeping!

**Fandom:** Kateikyoushi! Hitman Reborn

**Characters/Pairings:** Squalo, the rest of the Varia, random OCs, hints of XS

**Rating:** T for Squ-chan's potty mouth and for annoying random OCs who just don't know when to quit

**Warnings:** Squ-chan's potty mouth, psychotic Varia members who are let loose on a very rare off day, annoying random OCs who don't understand the word 'No', fail crack ('cause I never seem to be able to write that)

**Summary:** So, the Varia's once-in-a-blue-moon off day has once again come around. That means another of Squalo's sources of migraines isn't far off! Rated T for Squ-chan's potty mouth and for annoying random OCs who just don't know when to quit.

**A/N:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SQU-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAN! So, this fic is based on a pic I saw on Facebook. The moment I saw the photo, I knew that I just HAD to write at least a drabble for this! It was just too good a headcanon to pass up. This takes place eight years after the Representative arc, so Mammon is a sulky little ten year old girl (Yes, I know he's a guy, but wouldn't it be cute to be the only girl in the family?). I didn't add Fran, since Mammon didn't die and the Varia didn't need a replacement Mist. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **AkiraAmano owns KHR. Credits to the owner for the headcanon used.

* * *

**VOI! No, Thank You!**

It was a bright and sunny day, with a light breeze to cool down the sun's warmth. Since it seemed such a nice day for a stroll, and it was that rare day that everyone at the mansion was free (not to mention they _seriously_ needed to do some shopping; their fridge had nothing left but a half-empty jar of pickle relish), the Varia decided to go shopping.

Surprisingly, the one who fussed the most was not Mammon (who always whined about spending money), nor Belphegor (who was too lazy to do anything), not even Xanxus (who was always pissed off and might explode at a moment's notice) but—

"VOOOOOOOI! No fucking way am I going to some shitty mall in fucking civvies!"

—Squalo.

"But, Squ-chan," an already dressed-to-kill Lussuria cooed and approached the annoyed second-in-command who was stubbornly still dressed in his overly large night shirt (which suspiciously looked like it was owned by a certain hothead who shoots fireballs out of his X-Guns—it's not like the rest of the Varia didn't know). "It's such a nice day, and those annoying guys might be someplace else bothering someone who might actually listen to what they're blabbering about." He held out the garment bag he was carrying as if it were an offering to the gods of glamor.

"Get a move on, Squalo," ten-year old Mammon demanded darkly. And why was she being extra pissy today? Try getting shoved into a deep indigo dress swimming in ribbons and ruffles, your hair tied up into two pigtails and your face exposed for the whole world to see.

"Fine!" Squalo growled, taking the bag Lussuria was holding before slamming his door behind him.

Those who were waiting outside the door heard some shuffling, then a growled "Seriously?!"

"Ushishishi," Belphegor chuckled while picking at the hem of his trademark black and purple sweater. "What could be inside the bag the peacock gave to make the sharky captain grumble so much?" He had never seen Squalo lose his cool over such a small matter before.

"Probably something stupid," Levi answered, thinking of funny outfits that would bring the silver-haired swordsman shame. When that happens, he'll get demoted and the boss would surely make the Lightning Guardian his new right-hand.

A few moments passed, and they heard their boss' voice waft from inside the room arguing with their captain.

"_What're you grumbling about like some prissy girl for?"_

"_Voi! I look stupid! And I'm not a prissy girl!"_

"_What're you talking about, trash? It looks fine! Better than some of those rags in your closet at least."_

"_Oh, really? And I seem to remember _you_ were the reason they're rags now! Voi! Whatever! This is dumb!"_

"_Shut up, kasuzame*! _You're_ what's dumb! Now get out of this room so we can get this fucking over with!"_

"_But—!"_

The door burst open, showing their gun-toting, vest-on-top-of-a-collared-shirt-wearing boss dragging out a struggling Squalo.

The sight made Lussuria squeal.

"Kya~ Squ-chan! The clothes look so good on you!" He gushed, examining the latest proof of his fabulous genius. "You even put your hair up!"

"Captain looks like a girl!" Belphegor laughed out loud.

And look like a girl he did. Squalo had on a peach off-shoulder sweater over a black cotton wifebeater partnered with leather pants. His Varia-issued lace-up boots adorned his feet. A messy ponytail tied up the look.

"Squ-chan doesn't look like a girl, Bel-chan!" Lussuria chided. "I was opting for a more androgynous look! He's at the middle!"

"Mou, I don't care if he looks like a _whale_," Mammon snapped. "You are wasting my precious time with your nonsense. Wasted time is wasted money, and I don't like wasting money. Move."

The rest of the Varia watched her retreating back before their eyes flew to Xanxus.

He simply shrugged. "Couldn't have done it better myself."

* * *

They were currently at the mall. Status: so far so good. They decided to separate: Bel pulled Mammon off to the arcade; Xanxus marched to the nearest steak house, Levi hot on his trail while Lussuria dragged Squalo into clothes shopping with him.

Squalo was still in a bad mood.

"C'mon, cheer up, Squ-chan," Lussuria cajoled as he pulled his superior to another clothing store. "At least you're still wearing our uniform colors."

That did not change the fact that he was still wearing casual clothes.

"Couldn't I have just worn a collared shirt or something?" Squalo whined, ruffling his hair agitatedly. Won't be long now.

"Then it would be just like a normal work day!" argued the Sun Guardian, busy with pulling hanger after hanger, bracing the clothes against himself, nodding in affirmation or clicking his tongue in rejection, then repeating the whole process, but instead he propped the article against Squalo and squeals a yes or whines a no before dumping the clothes of approval on Squalo's arms.

"Okay, fitting room time!" Came the feared announcement.

"Voi, please, no," Squalo groans.

A few moments of excited-Lussuria passed, and Squalo was finally in one of the constructed outfits.

"Walk towards me."

Squalo panicked. Oh no. _No._ This was how it _always_ started.

The swordsman sucked in a deep breath and took his first step.

"Oh, Captain, you look fabulous~" squealed Lussuria.

Squalo had on a sky blue shirt under a black, fur trimmed overcoat with black half-pants as bottoms complete with a different pair of lace-up boots.

Just as the Rain was making his first turn, he saw it: the gleaming eyes of the most stubborn creatures in the whole world, the bane of Squalo's existence –

"_Excuse me! You there, the one in the Armani fur-trimmed coat!"_

"_Do you want to be a model?! You totally have what it takes to be the best of the best in the fashion world!"_

"_Here, take my card; my agency will represent you well!"_

—modeling agency recruiters.

"Voi, no, thank you," he politely declined. It was their off-day, not in uniform; they couldn't just act like the psychopaths they were in peaceful, civilian public!

"Won't you consider?" another one pressed, trying unsuccessfully to make Squalo take his card.

"Not interested," the silverette muttered emotionlessly. If they see he was uninterested, they'd stop, right?

_Dammit, where's Lussuria when you need him?!_ Squalo internally asked. _That damn okama just vanishes into thin air!_

He was panicking now. He couldn't see the Sun Guardian anywhere above the flushed faces of the recruiters who thought they had hit the fashion jackpot.

Picking up his pace, he yanked off the tags on the clothes and made a beeline to the register.

"Charge it on Lussuria," he instructed. Good thing it was a store they frequented. He nodded his thanks and fled the boutique. He passed by the couch where their prior purchases were left. They weren't there.

Curse Lussuria for leaving him there!

"Voi, Lussuria! Wait 'til I get my eyes on you!" he growled as he tried to shake the recruiters off his tail. He managed after less than two hours, just in time for him to meet up with the others for dinner at the steak house Xanxus chose for that day.

"Took you long enough, Captain," Bel snickered in his seat. "The boss already chose for you because you spent so much time running from those peasants."

"Shut it, shitty prince," Squalo answered tiredly before plopping himself on the chair at Xanxus' right.

"Recruiters clingy this time of the season?" Levi joined in, reveling in Squalo's misery.

"I'm so sorry for leaving you alone, Squ-chan," Lussuria apologized. "My eyes caught the most perfect pair of pumps and went to check, but when I got back, the attendants said you'd already run off."

"I hope that's fake fur you're wearing," Mammon sighed, flicking the coat in question. "Real fur's expensive."

"Don't worry," Lussuria interjected. "It's synthetic. You would've blown off our ears, otherwise."

As if on cue, their orders arrived. "Shut up and eat, trash!" Xanxus ordered, immediately tearing his stake to pieces.

Squalo was so tired, not to mention irritated. If he so much as hears the word 'mo—

"Excuse me; do you want to be a model?"

Squalo flipped the table.

* * *

* angel shark; can also be translated as shitty/trashy shark

* * *

_Prompt Headcanon: Squalo hates going shopping in casual clothes because someone always tries to scout him to be a model._

* * *

Happy birthday once again, Squalo!

Reviews are lovely!


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